Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The critical question...

Sen. Jeff Sessions. Judge Sotomayor...
Sotomayor. Yes, Senator Sessions.
Sessions. There are a lot of questions I want to ask...
Sotomayor. Ask away, my life is an open book.
Sessions. Very well... Which is better: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire or Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince?
Sotomayor. Book or movie?
Sessions. Book.
Sotomayor. British version or American version?
Sessions. American, obviously.
Sotomayor. Neither.
(Gasp from the onlookers, even the people yelling about abortion)
Sessions. What was that?
Sotomayor. Neither.
Sessions. Please explain yourself.
Sotomayor. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
(Huge uproar)
Everyone. What? hub hub hub hub hub hub...
Sessions. You are bold, Sotomayor... and a very polarizing person... I cannot support you, and your love for teen angst.
Sotomayor. I stand by my choice. It is our choices, Senator Sessions, who define who we truly are.
Sessions. Well played.

The abortion dilemma

Sen. Tom Coburn. Judge Sotomayor...
Sotomayor. Yes?
Sen. Tom Coburn. Abortion.
(long pause)
Sotomayor. Uh... that's not a question, Senator.
Sen. Tom Coburn. Isn't it though?
Sotomayor. No.

Not just a white man...

Sen. John Cornyn. But you said it.
Sotomayor. I know... and I regret saying it... it was not wise.
Cornyn. But you SAID it.
Sotomayor. I'm aware of that, and again, I believe that it was unwise.
Cornyn. You said you'd have a better view then white men.
Sotomayor. Look, John, it was a mistake on my part, just not worded well.
Cornyn. But I'm a white man.
Sotomayor. And I meant no offense.
Cornyn. But... but... (begins to whimper) I am smart, and you hurt my feelings...
Sotomayor. And again I must apologize.
Cornyn. My feelings are still hurt.
Sotomayor. No, no... John... you're very smart...
Cornyn. Really? (wiping tears from eyes)
Sotomayor. Yes... some might say your the smartest Senator there is.
Cornyn. Newt doesn't think so...
Sotomayor. Well Newt's just being mean.
Cornyn. He hurt my feelings...
Sotomayor. You're very smart, John.
Cornyn. And brave?
Sotomayor. You're super smart and brave, John.
Cornyn. (nods head)
Sotomayor. Do you want a juice box?
Cornyn. Yes please...
Sotomayor. Here you go.
Sotomayor. Shhhh... shhh... (cradles his head and sings) hush little baby don't say a word... (Cornyn goes to sleep)

Dodging The Second Amendment Question...

Sen. Tom Coburn. Do you think I have the right to self defense?
Sotomayor. I don't think there's a constitutional right for self defense.
Coburn. Should I be allowed to bare arms, Judge Sotomayor.
Sotomayor. Look it's a question of...
Coburn. You keep dodging the question you sexy girl.
Sotomayor. Oh stop, Tom.
Coburn. Do you like guns?
Sotomayor. Look I don't think.
Coburn. (flexing muscle) How bout these guns?
Sotomayor. Stop flexing Tom.
Coburn. Yeah... I work out... let the record show I work out... no further questions.